


Pick Up Artist

by wingedlioness



Series: bunny comedy [10]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 07:34:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11664519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingedlioness/pseuds/wingedlioness
Summary: David Nolan wishes everyone would see Hook's "charms" for what they really are. Season 2 cracky divergence.





	Pick Up Artist

**Author's Note:**

> Let’s pretend a certain pirate never made it to New York City in pursuit of his prey. That his injuries from the town line weren’t as severe, and he skipped out of the hospital early enough to learn of and suffer from Cora’s double-cross, propelling him to seek out the heroes’ aid. After all, they’d be unable to resist an extra hand, as it were. The crocodile could wait ‘til he got back from his little jaunt out of town, and Hook could pass the time sticking it to Cora and Regina, and flirting with Swan. Let’s pretend that Rumple never forced Emma to accompany him to find his son, rather he exacted a promise that she would protect Belle in his stead. That she reluctantly accepted his “request”, as well as Hook’s offer of help to defeat Cora, her own guilt over betraying him before leaping at the chance to make amends. Also for other reasons she really didn’t want to think about.
> 
> In other words, let's pretend Colin hadn’t broken his damn leg. And, you know, crack. Because it’s me.

David was so sick of his '"suave charm." The pirate was  _ not  _ charming, he should know. And those lingering glances with his daughter… well that was not going to happen. If only Emma would see Hook for the pick-up artist he was.

He threw a glance skyward, calculating his odds. 

“I wish everyone would see his ‘charm’ for what it really is.”

The stars twinkled back at him apathetically.

“Some help you are.”

“David? Who are you talking to? Where are you?” Mary Margaret called from inside. “Dinner’s going to get cold. Emma just texted to say she was almost home.”

“Oh I know,” he muttered, scowling down the street. His daughter’s blonde locks were shining in the streetlight but his eyes were fixed on the dark shadow swaggering off.

“David? Everything ok?” Emma’s steps quickened as she saw him waiting for her. 

“I should be asking you that.” He nodded in the direction she came. “What did  _ he _ want?”

“What? Oh, Hook?” Emma sighed, “he’s helping us try to thwart Cora’s plans, you know that. I had an idea I wanted to run by him.”

“Are you saying you trust him now?!”

“No!” She flushed red as the word practically escaped her lips. “I mean, no, yes. Of course. You know, for this. Not for like, other stuff.”

She pushed past him into the loft, leaving him to glower down the now empty street. A single star flared unnoticed when finally he headed inside behind Emma.

 

\---

 

David kissed Mary Margaret goodbye, waving to her and Henry as he and Emma entered Granny’s. 

“You know, we do have a kitchen. We could make coffee at home once in awhile,” David trailed off as he noticed the leather-clad shape at the counter. He glanced down at his daughter, inexplicably caught up in adjusting her coat, stopping only when she felt his eye on her. 

 

Emma tried to fight the blush she could already feel rising. She knew her father didn’t trust Hook, and it wasn’t like she was the best person to advocate for trusting anyone, but he really wasn’t all that bad. The genuine remorse he was showing for shooting Belle helped, and innuendos aside, he wasn’t terrible company  _ (right Emma, yes, because you didn’t find his innuendos and flirting appealing  _ **_at all_ ** _ ) _ . Something she was apparently not alone in thinking.

Granny’s attention was focused on the pirate, his cleavage on full display, eyebrows engaged, tongue roaming. She sighed, the pang of jealousy over Granny was beyond ridiculous. She steeled herself as they approached the counter, expecting the weight of Hook’s attention at any moment. 

“I’ve got some nice buns I think you’ll like.”

Did he just say- did she just hear that? Emma and David exchanged bewildered glances. That was really bad. Granny looked tickled though, giggled like a schoolchild, and Hook looked… confused. Like he hadn’t meant to say that. He recovered quickly, popping the toast on his plate into his mouth seductively ( _ seriously, Emma? Eating toast was not seductive _ ). He tossed Granny a wink and turned, eyes lighting on Emma. 

“Dave! How’s it hangin’? Left, right, or straight up for me?”

David’s jaw dropped and Emma felt the floor falter under her feet. What the actual-

Hook’s face froze, tongue out between his teeth. She watched the man scratch behind his ear, swiveling back around to deposit some coins on the counter and throw a wink at Granny.

Emma braced herself as he made his way over, an outlandish flirt inevitable. It’s not like she wanted it ( _ right, just like she didn’t want his body pressed against hers, his tongue dancing in a different way… dammit _ ), but he’d proven to be unable to help himself when it came to her. Hook made it to them, obnoxious smirk and roving eyebrow to every person that made eye contact with him… except Emma. He paused at the door, looking over his shoulder. His eyes were trained on her father, and she felt a bit lost. Since they’d walked in, he’d only given her the briefest of glances, and, well, she wasn’t sure to do with the frustration that caused.

“Let's do breakfast tomorrow, Your Highness. Should I call you, or nudge you?”

Emma’s arm shot out instinctively across David’s chest, stopping him from lunging at the other man. The door chimed and he was gone, the tension in the air palpable. 

Ruby let out a low whistle, and the diner chatter picked back up. 

Emma slid over to her friend, “What the hell was that all about?” 

Ruby looked surprised. “You don’t know? We were hoping you could tell us.” 

Others came over, crowding around her and David. 

“Me? Why would I know?”

Ruby rolled her eyes and Leroy scoffed. 

“He’s  _ your  _ pirate, sister. Get him a damn muzzle.”

Emma looked to her father and David just pursed his lips. She was obviously not going to get any help from him. 

Ruby shrugged, “He told me I was ‘sugar and spice and everything nice.’” 

“He said he wanted to ‘watch me rise all night long.’ I was just looking at the bread display!” Doc sounded mortified and Emma tried to not laugh.

“He asked me if it hurt when I fell from heaven. Who actually says that kind of a thing?” Ashley’s blush was betraying her true feelings about the bad come-on, thankfully Sean was too irate to notice.

“I was right there with our daughter and instead of apologizing or moving on when he noticed me, he told me ‘those are nice pants, do you think I could get in them?’”

“You've gotta control your pirate!”

Emma brought her hands up, trying to wave everyone into some semblance of order. “Ok, first of all he’s not mine- he’s  _ not _ , and what, he's… hitting on everyone? It's not like that's weird for him.”

They all stared at her. 

“What? It's not. Ok fine, not to this extent,”  _ (or using such terrible lines, what was he even thinking) _ , “but being a flirt is like his default setting or something.”

The dwarves made various exasperated noises in her direction as Leroy pushed them to disperse. David clapped the still shaking Sean on the shoulder while Emma flopped onto a stool. 

“He really said those things?”

Ruby placed a mug in front of her, smirk firmly in place. 

“What, jealous?”

“Ugh no. Those were all so… _ lame _ .”

She shrugged, “I dunno, mine was pretty accurate I thought.”

Emma hid her scowl behind the coffee. Her father finally settled beside her, chuckling to himself. 

“Enjoying yourself?”

His smile faltered under Emma’s glare but he rallied quickly. “You have to admit, it’s pretty funny. And while I don’t like saying I told you so-”

“Then don’t say it.”

“Emma, the man is nothing but a no-good con artist. I’m just relieved he didn’t use it on you for once.”

She slammed her drink down, whirling on him. “It’s a defense mechanism,  _ Dad _ , I should know. When people only see you as a pretty face, or an obnoxious one, or whatever, they tend to dismiss you and underestimate you. They don’t try to make nice or get to know you or want to talk about ‘feelings.’ You don’t have to like him, but he’s the only reason we have a chance against Cora now, so keep your crap opinion to yourself.”

 

David sat stunned as Emma stormed off before floundering to his feet.

“Isn’t it in Parenting 101 to not try to keep a daughter away from a boy you don’t like? That’s the fastest way to get her to run straight to ‘im.”

He looked over to see Granny smiling at him sympathetically.

“So sit back down, drink your coffee, and let her figure out what the hell is going on with Captain Innuendo.” Granny patted the counter, her steel gaze brooking no argument. She waited until he was ensconced in his seat once more before glancing out the window with a wistful sigh. “I do hope he doesn’t stop flirting though, even with everyone knowing it’s only a distraction now. Man that pretty, it’d be such a shame.”

“Granny!” 

David tuned out Ruby’s embarrassed protests. Maybe this wasn’t working out quite like he’d wished… no. Wait. There’s no way his flippant wish from last night actually worked. That would be ludicrous. They weren’t in the Enchanted Forest anymore, things like that didn’t happen in this realm. Even if it did, it’s not like anything else could happen. Emma said she already knew the purpose behind Hook’s stupid flirting so there was nothing else for the wish to do. If it had been the wish. Because it wasn’t. Almost definitely. 

What the hell was his exact wording again? Just in case.

 

\---

 

Emma shoved her hands further into her pockets, the ocean air biting at her extremities. The black shape sitting further up the beach stuck out like a sore thumb against the white sand and rocks. She’d been surprised when she couldn’t find him at the docks, quickly turning to angry when she realized he could only be avoiding her. He spent all morning hitting on every adult in town and then had the nerve to run away from her? It only made her more determined to find out what the hell was going on.

 

Her resolve wavered slightly as she neared him. There was something about Hook’s posture, the slouch, the way his jaw ticked… she was right. Something was definitely off. She waited until she reached his side to speak.

“What, no pick up line for me?”

He kept his gaze fixed on the horizon. “No need. Doesn’t work.”

“To push people away? It seemed to be working just fine on everyone else.”    
“They don't matter, I don't need it with them.”   
“Oh what, and you do with me?” Emma couldn’t stop the hurt from seeping into her voice.   
Hook gave her a pained look and sighed. She waited him out, arms crossed in front of her. She didn’t examine the small voice demanding that he owed her an explanation, but she let it keep her there, frowning at him. She watched his emotions flicker across his face, and drew her breath when he pushed off the rock, and stepped into her space. They were so close she could feel the heat radiating off his exposed chest, his jacket brushing against her knee. Emma began losing herself in his eyes when he finally answered her, his voice low and gravelly.    
“You left me, Swan. Whatever else, I had a glimpse of an honourable path, then you left me. So I fell back on tried and true. A villain out for his revenge, his own selfish end. But then you showed up again. And again. And dammit Swan, you keep breaking through my defenses and I can't handle it.”

Emma gaped up at him, his cheeks red from both the cold and his confession. His eyes lingered on her lips before fluttering back up to hers. 

“Since we parted last night, the strangest things have been tumbling from my lips. Mockeries to the art of seduction, phrases that the basest of knaves would not utter. And yet…”

Emma's fingers twitched as he shifted in and his hand grazed hers. 

“Yet to you, my heart wants nothing more to lay itself bare,” her skin tingled as he brushed her hair off her shoulder with the hook, “for you to see me as I truly am. What have you done to me, Swan? How have you bewitched me?”

His voice was laced with a controlled rage, warring with a gentle longing emanating from his blue stare that made her heart race. Emma realized she needed to start breathing again. Hook was close, too close, not close enough. She cast desperately for ideas. She couldn't handle his proximity much longer. Oh wait...

“Could it be Cora? Messing with you somehow?”

He paled, “only one way that could be true… Swan, take out my heart.”

“What?!”

“It's the only way to be certain she's not behind this.” He matched her steps as she tried to back away, shaking her head furiously. “We need to know. And quickly, if she has my heart, she could command me to injure your lad, or you, and I'd be powerless to stop it.”

He caught her hand, bringing it up to his chest. “Please.”

Emma’s protests died on her tongue when she saw the fear in his eyes. She nodded, gulping nervously ( _ here goes nothing _ ). 

 

\---

 

David couldn’t rid himself of the nervous energy running through him. Whatever the reason for the pirate’s stupid lines that morning, once the initial outrage and confusion had passed, everyone seemed to be warming up to the guy. He even overheard the dwarves talking about inviting him in on their poker game. Which made no sense. Hook acts like the playboy he is, and everyone brushes it off? How does that happen? Maybe Emma was right. Even if it were a defense technique or whatever, it didn’t excuse his behaviour.

Granny’s words kept him from seeking Emma out… for a little bit. He waited until she was busy in the kitchen to sneak out the door, ignoring Ruby’s eyeroll. Whatever, she could be as judgey as she wanted, hell if he was going to let his daughter alone with that damn pirate for too long. Definitely not when he was acting even weirder than usual.

 

He drove up and down every street along the waterfront before spying Emma’s yellow Bug. He grumbled a bit as he made his way to the shore because of course they had to be at the rockiest part of the beach. They were two of a kind, and dammit he did  _ not _ just think that about the pirate and his daughter.

The two in question were standing together. Very close. David picked around a set of rocks just in time to see Emma thrust her hand into Hook’s chest. He nearly fell off a boulder as he watched the duo laugh at the bright red heart glowing in her hands.

He froze, straining to hear their conversation.

“You’ve stolen me heart, luv, I do believe it’s my turn now. Fair’s fair.”

“Ugh, great, the flirting works again. I’d say you’re back to normal.”

“It works, does it?”

He grimaced at the glee in the pirate’s voice and ducked behind a boulder. David didn’t need to see the obnoxious smirk on Hook’s face, but he grinned when he heard the yelp as Emma replaced his heart. He hid as they headed back from the shore, keeping out of view as best he could. Judging by the way they were immersed in their own, bickering, flirty world, he needn’t have bothered. He wasn’t sure they would’ve noticed him even if he’d walked straight up to them. Hook threw out another ridiculous line at his daughter, and she turned enough for David to see her face light up, even as she rolled her eyes. He leaned back against the boulder, scowling at the horizon. 

It was really hard to argue against the pirate’s "charms" if they could make Emma smile like that. 


End file.
